I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
