on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Randomize
