see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
