a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize