your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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