So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
nutella sex= disaster
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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