i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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