I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
