i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
