We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
