he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
