I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
