your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Randomize
