I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
