allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
We got so high we made milksteak
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
