Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
