If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
