five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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