I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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