were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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