i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
