Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
this boner is exhausting
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
