Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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