How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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