I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
