I hate all girls vehemently.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
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