question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
