Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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