I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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