The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
