it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
she told me i tasted like america
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
