I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
