I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
