What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
