My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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