allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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