I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
