My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
