Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
