my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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