Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
