my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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