Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
