I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Randomize
