plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
