They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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