So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
i wish my penis had a tongue
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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