I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
