I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
