Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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