I wish I could punch you in the face.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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