I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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