WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
