return my video game
I need to stop coming to work sober
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
