I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
