Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
