I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
All I want is dick and wine.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
