I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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