battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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