i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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