feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
