Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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