So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
