somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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