gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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